Mother's Day is Different for Everyone

Mother’s Day can be a day of joy for the moms who have their rhythm with children and dance in between roles, sadness for those longing to be mothers, heartbreak for those who have lost their children, soul crushing hurt for those who lost their mothers before their mother reached the stage of being an elder, confusion for those with strained relationships with their mothers, anxiety for the new mom who ponders, “they really just gave me a baby? And left?” and reflection for those who have transitioned from grief to joy on this holiday.

I still look at my kid with wonder and amazement. I remember during my IVF journey, I wrote in my journal, “I can almost see my baby in my dreams, and they are so close, but I cannot have them so I just cry.” My partner/husband and I excitedly tried for children for 3 years. I took advice, smiled at baby showers while feeling sadness stab me and I just grieved. I reflected on my life, and I leaned into the terrifying reality that life is a chaotic messy bitch and I let go of the fantasy of control. I let go of the life I dreamt of and envisioned then tried to love my life with a level of acceptance that emboldened me to push, pull and embrace. My unplanned pregnancy came after IVF failed and my fibroids were removed. It was an unexpected blessing that launched me into a place that I am still navigating physically, mentally and spiritually.

In reflecting on my journey to motherhood and the last several years of in this life, I always reflect back to my beautiful mother. I think of her now in this new role of grandma. I think of her acrobatics of working full time and juggling two girls with different needs and personalities. I think of her life when she was a child. I think of the fondness of my grandparents while pragmatically understanding that my grandparents weren’t the same when they were parents. I imagine my grandparents doing what most parents do: loving their children with good intentions yet making missteps as most human do. I see my mom in different shades now and I am certain she sees me differently too. The collective human experience to grow a life then watch that life grow into a person who experiences the world in all its beauty and pain to then eventually repeat that cycle is a clusterfuck. It’s a wild experience that I recognize is not for everyone. Nonetheless, I see the purpose, beauty and joy in my mother. Her eyes fiercely scream, “I will love and protect you because you are of me.”

In understanding the journey and arriving at this destination, I feel gratitude for my mother, grandmother, chosen family and friends. There are never enough thoughts or words to encapsulate my love and appreciation for all the things that give me energy while in the trenches of toddler hood. Love, authentic spaces and hearing “oh, you aren’t alone,” have saved me.

I offer a chance of reflection for all today. I am sending love to all who are in a different space today. No matter if it’s the same space or a different one, I am sending you peace, restorative energy and kindness.